


Licking Wounds

by BadonKaDank



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Bertolt has thoughts and feelings, Brief suicidal ideation, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sadness, Self Loathing, honestly that's all I got to tag, they aren't great, this was just sorta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-19
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-11-16 00:01:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11242026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadonKaDank/pseuds/BadonKaDank
Summary: Still recovering from their failed attempt to retrieve Eren, Bertolt thinks about what they're doing and wishes there was a better way. (Spoilers for Season 2 and current manga chapters)





	Licking Wounds

**Author's Note:**

> Unedited, but I had to get this out. I have so may feelings about these guys, and I didn't realize just how much I loved them until this season finished up. So yeah, spoilers for anime ahead and major spoilers for manga as well.

The night air tugged harshly at their hair and clothing, the chilliness magnified by the altitude atop the wall to temperatures that had even Bertolt shivering. The winds weren't the only contribution to that bodily reaction, though. Ymir's words continued ringing in his ears, long after she'd spoken them and fallen asleep.

_"All I'm doing is returning what I borrowed back then. Because I'm probably the only one that understands the situation you're in."_

A mere thank you would never suffice to tell Ymir how grateful they both were for her sacrifice, but it was all he'd been able to manage at the time. Those words alone had been enough to lodge that rising lump in his throat and Bertolt knew if he'd tried to say much more he would not have been able to remain coherent. It was too much to come to terms with. They'd lost Eren, the Attack Titan, the Founding Titan… they'd virtually failed their mission, and without Ymir to redeem them incrementally, he doubted Zeke would have even let them make it back home. As it was, Bertolt wasn't sure they would be greeted with open arms when they did return, seeing as how abysmally everything had gone for them thus far.

They'd broken Wall Maria and Trost's defenses successfully, but Eren had plugged the hole in Trost. They'd managed to keep their true identities hidden for as long as they'd been able and they'd survived the Survey Corps coming after them, but they'd lost Annie in the process, the Female Titan. And if Armin's words were to be believe, she was being tortured. As much as he didn't want to believe that, Bertolt knew just how cruel the humanity could be and wouldn't have put such an atrocity out of the realm of possibilities.

And they'd lost Eren, too. That was what his mind continued coming back to. They'd lost him. They'd had him and they'd lost him. And because of that, Ymir was giving up the possibility of a life with the woman she so clearly had strong feelings for in order to make sure they didn't return home empty-handed. He hated that his immediate reaction was to thank her and apologize for what fate awaited her instead of telling her she couldn't give up her life so quickly for them. He'd never done anything to deserve that- that kind of selfless act. But then, it also seemed fitting that he said nothing more than that; he was a warrior, after all. The Colossus Titan. The strongest one. The poster-child for the destruction of mankind.

It was his responsibility to make sure their task remained at the forefront of his and Reiner's minds at all times. It was his responsibility to make sure nothing they did could backfire too spectacularly, and to keep Reiner from getting too carried away with his Soldier persona. He was the one who had to keep a level head, the one who had to be careful to hold everyone at arm's length, because if he allowed himself to create too strong of a bond with anyone besides his warrior comrades he ran the risk of going soft.

He was glad he'd had the intuition and discipline to do that, because Jean and Connie's yelling (their hurt and feelings of betrayal) had been enough to make him wish he couldn't been anyone other than himself in that moment. He had been honest with them though. Who in their right mind would ever want to willingly hurt people? Who would choose, of their own volition, to kill so many people if they didn't have to?

Even now, as the pain of that memory clawed at his tear ducts and his legs dangled off the side of the wall while he contemplated in the back of his mind if a fall like _that_ would be enough to kill him, Bertolt wished he could've had longer to stay there in the safety of Reiner's armor, and explained their situation more thoroughly. Because maybe then they would've understood, as Ymir had understood, and they could've gone home with Eren willingly trailing behind.

That had been what he'd assumed the plan had been, at least as far as Eren had been concerned, before Reiner had decided he had different plans. He'd been prepared to continue the charade and hang onto the humanity he'd almost grown to be comfortable with, when Reiner had shattered it all so beautifully and Bertolt had had to remind himself that before anything else, they were warriors and comrades who had to support and protect the other no matter whether or not they deviated from the afore agreed-upon path.

The friends they'd made along the way would always come last. He had a responsibility to his people to make sure they were protected, and that meant abandoning everything and everyone he'd grown to care for in his three years of knowing them. But if abandoning all of that meant his people could live on, he would do it. He would give up everything -his health, his opinions, his life- for his people, just as Eren seemed so keen on dying for his. As misguided as he was in in the belief that the titans were at fault for all the wrong in the world, Bertolt could understand where the other teen came from.

Having related to Eren in some areas profoundly, he'd half expected him to be willing to help them, but he should've known his hate and hurt would run far too deep for him to be able to look past everything they'd done. Still, having Eren look at him like he was his enemy, like Bertolt had killed his mother and ruined his life on purpose, like he wanted to slaughter him… it had been more painful than any wound he could have inflicted.

Their ancestors had started a war that they now had to fight and it wasn't fair. He knew the other Eldians had to die, but that didn't keep him from wishing that they could coexist with one another- that there didn't have to be pain and death and thirst for the dominance of a superior race. Of course, if ever he said such things aloud around anyone besides Reiner he would most certainly be executed, the power of his titan passed down to the next child who didn't know any better.

Bertolt knew how easy it was for them all to see them as the enemies of humanity, but if they could know the truth, the _real_ truth, they might have been willing to side with them. He wished more than anything that that could have been the case; at least they could've all remained friends until the end.

But it hadn't been in the cards for them. It never had been. He knew that, though he wished he didn't. That itself didn't matter either, because he had always known where his life was headed, and he'd made his peace with that knowledge. Still, he'd almost allowed himself to hope for something different, and that wasn't good.

All he wanted was to complete their mission so he and Reiner could stop being used, which meant giving up all freedoms and personal desires. Which was fine, ultimately. It had to be, especially now, after he'd so thoroughly loused up Eren's retrieval. If he had subdued Ymir, forced her along with them instead of allowing her to stay behind in order to get Krista, things might have gone differently, and they might have gotten away. He'd made an executive decision and it had been the wrong one.

Reiner said nothing about that, but Bertolt knew he was thinking along the same lines. The deep lines that marred his normally flawless face spoke volumes, and he was surprised the blond hadn't gone off on him for the mistakes he'd made. In fact, Reiner had been uncharacteristically quiet for the past few hours, which told Bertolt just how incredibly upset he was.

The knowledge that his blunder was what caused that mood in his best friend made him feel all the worse. He could've done so many things differently, but instead he'd gone along with Ymir's desires, just as he went along with whatever everyone else demanded of him. He didn't have to, but he always did. It seemed years of following orders left him unable to make decisions for himself. Reiner was the only one he could speak his mind around, which meant what he truly thought never saw the light of day, his fear of putting Reiner in danger with his opinions being what kept him silent. His devotion to Reiner constantly warred with his devotion to his people, and he would never do or say anything if he knew it would put him into a bad position.

As it was, he had put him in harm's way. He'd put himself in the same boat, yes, but he could take whatever punishment Zeke saw fit to give him when he got to them, Reiner didn't deserve to suffer the consequences when he wasn't the one to make the choice that wrecked everything. Yes, he'd revealed their identities sooner than he'd thought they would, but it all might have turned out alright if Bertolt had chosen different.

It didn't matter, though, because soon enough Jaeger would be back and in charge once more and they would be back to the pawns they'd been before leaving, any pretense of freedom removed from their hands completely. Thinking about what might have been wouldn't change that. He told himself that but it didn't lessen the burning guilt that seemed to cling to wounds that had long since healed. If he hadn't felt utterly hopeless before, he certainly did now.

"Oi, Bertolt."

Blinking away the tears that had begun building up, Bertolt turned his attention to Reiner. The other shifter looked at him, the anger in his face having bled away to reveal a softer, sadder expression. Bertolt cleared his throat to keep from sounding too croaky when he replied.

"Yeah?"

"Go ahead and sleep, already. Nobody's coming for awhile and you need to regain your strength."

Reiner offered a small smile to accompany the suggestion but it didn't come close to reaching his eyes, and for some reason that made it worse than if he hadn't smiled at all. Bertolt drew his knees up from where the dangled and tucked them under his chin, contemplating what he should do. Reiner was right, he did need to recuperate, but honestly, the blond needed more rest than he did. He'd been the one doing all the running around and fighting.

"Go to sleep yourself," he shot back softly, keeping his gaze glued to the land below, "if we do end up needing to get out of here, you're going to be more important than me."

Reiner scoffed and Bertolt looked up to see him making his way over, his posture slouched enough that anyone would be aware of just how not okay he was. When he sat down beside him, Bertolt refused to make eye contact. He couldn't bring himself to, not after what had happened- he couldn't even bring himself to drink water because it meant he'd have to see his reflection. He couldn't bear the guilt and shame, and even if Reiner could understand that if he told him, he still didn't want to. He didn't want him seeing the kind of havoc it was wreaking inside his mind.

"Hey." Reiner nudged his arm and Bertolt clenched his jaw, keeping his attention fixed firmly on the horizon. He couldn't look at him now. If he did he would never be able to remain held together- he was barely managing it now as it was.

The silence persisted for nearly a full minute before Reiner's sigh broke through. "What's is it?"

And that was the question, wasn't it? What was it? It was easy to answer, honestly. But what single thing could he choose? It was the war, which was simultaneously right and wrong. It was Eren and the Survey Corps thinking they had all the true answers to everything when they didn't know truth if it bit of their legs. It was the fact that the world was wrong... He was wrong. It was the fact that they'd already done so much and yet they _still weren't done._ There was no one thing in particular. It was one terrible thing stacked atop another until there was nothing left but a pile of sins they were meant to be buried beneath.

Bertolt swallowed hard and shook his head, closing his eyes burying his forehead into his knees. He should've found an answer for Reiner, but nothing was going to come out properly no matter how hard he tried. Silence was always the better alternative when there was too much to articulate. At least until everything came out in an exhausted stream of sobs and screams.

He worried his lip from the safety of his arms and wanted to hurl himself off the wall when the a small whimper crawled up his throat. He cringed at the noise and bit his tongue when another tried to follow. The moisture building up behind his eyes refused to be blinked away by then and he gave up trying, letting the few tears that fell land silently in his lap where reiner couldn't see.

"What's wrong?" Reiner pressed, placing a hand on his shoulder. Bertolt leaned into the touch unconsciously and shrugged. He knew the inquiry went further than what was currently wrong, because Reiner knew by then that he reacted badly to missions even when they were successful- after destroying the Wall he'd been nearly inconsolable for several days.

Reiner knew him, and he knew when things became too much to deal with properly. He knew how to handle him when he was in that state, it was just a matter of getting him to talk. And while he still wasn't ready to have a conversation, Bertolt decided he could at least give a small answer that would help him to understand.

"Everything."

The whisper was as strained and as hoarse as he'd imagined it would be, but at least he'd kept his sob at bay.

"Bertl…" Reiner wrapped his arms around him and pulled him to his chest, and any attempt to remain stoic fell useless around his ears as his breath hitched violently and the first of many ragged sobs. He wanted to pull away from the comforting and familiar hold, because he didn't deserve to be cared for when he'd messed up as badly as he had, but knew it would be no use because Reiner wouldn't release him. And that wasn't fair either, because Reiner was upset too, and yet here he was, comforting him, trying to make him alright.

It was still so strange, how their roles had changed since childhood. He could still recall when he'd been the one to tuck Reiner under his chin and assure him everything would be fine, that he wasn't weak and that he most certainly would be chosen to inherit one of the Nine Titans.

How things had changed since that time. It seemed after he'd received the power of the Colossus titan and Reiner the Armored they had switched. Suddenly, Reiner was the strong one and Bertolt the one who constantly had to be assured that things would turn out alright. Which amused him still, considering he was the one in charge of keeping them on track.

Reiner's free hand carded carefully through his hair. The same hand Mikasa had cut into. Bertolt shuddered and curled into himself further, sniffling and desperately trying to quiet his cries.

"I'm sorry."

The whisper dragged from his mouth multiple times until the words ceased to sound like words at all, and by then he couldn't stop. The air burned his lungs as if it was the steam his titan constantly emitted and his head was a tangle of thoughts and feelings he had no control over, and he couldn't escape any of it.

"Bertolt."

He heard Reiner, felt him change their position so he was no longer hugging him but gripping both of his shoulders tightly, but couldn't get himself together. He wanted to. He hated when he couldn't control himself.

"Bertolt, _stop!_ "

Reiner shook him hard enough that his neck cracked when his head whipped back and forth, and just like that the world slowly came back into focus. The ringing in his ears lessened and though the air still stung coming in, he at least felt like his lungs were inflating. The tears continued to pour and his breath still hitched loudly, but everything suddenly seemed less extreme and more manageable.

Bertolt let himself fall forward, hiding his face in the crook of Reiner's neck and wrapping his arms tightly around the blond's chest. Reiner returned the embrace, saying nothing, but not needing to. Bertolt didn't need him to speak to understand that he was there for him, that he cared and wasn't going to leave. No words were ever needed for that.

They remained that way long after dark enveloped the sky, until their fire had burned down and Bertolt's sobs with it. Until the entire world felt like it had fallen away and for just a moment they didn't have to worry about what they needed to do next. Bertolt wished they could've stayed like that forever.

"If you two start making out, I promise I will kick you off this wall."

Ymir's sarcasm-coated comment shattered the moment and left Bertolt blushing deep scarlet and shifting away from Reiner until they were at a more respectful distance. He looked over to see the woman stretching and walking over to the fire to poke around at the embers. If she heard what had been going on earlier she made no mention of it.

Bertolt got up, groaning under his breath when his stiff limbs protested, and offered Reiner a hand. The two shared a look and Bertolt look over at Ymir before moving his attention back to the blond.

"Do you think she'll be alright?"

He felt like he already knew the answer to that question, but needed to ask it anyway. He knew where she would ultimately end up when she came back with them, but whether or not they were kind about it would be another factor entirely. They would put in a good word for her, let them know she had cooperated and helped them immensely, and hope that that sparked their empathy, but they wouldn't be able to do more than that.

Reiner shrugged and stared at the freckled woman, a distantly fond look in his eyes. "She's Ymir."

It wasn't an answer, and yet it was, and Bertolt accepted it. Whatever way they treated her, she would find a way to be okay with it. She was resilient and more kind and understanding than she let on, and no matter what they did to her, she would be at peace with her decision to come with them. Still, he hoped they would be kind to her. She was good and deserved to be treated as such.

"Alright. Let's just… act normal, then."

"Yep," Reiner agreed.

After that they made their way over to Ymir, who was watching them from the corner of her eye, and they sat beside her. Reiner punched her in the shoulder and laughed lightly when she gaped in surprise and glared at him.

"You're only saying that because you'd be jealous, Ymir."

"Ha!" Ymir barked, "That's a laugh!"

She smirked at him then and threw her arms up. "But, far be it from me to keep you two from getting it on. I mean, it is the end of the world, after all."

If it was possible, Bertolt blushed even harder and he struggled to not cover his face in embarrassment. The air of normalcy didn't feel forced, as it certainly was since none of them were truly feeling the witty banter, and or that he was thankful. If tonight would be the only reprieve they had before Zeke came, then no matter how forced, he would be glad to have the easy conversation… Even if that conversation was so easy because it was at his expense.

And it helped, jumping back into their roles and pretending he hadn't just had a breakdown moments before. And whether or not Ymir let him on to the fact, he was certain he'd been what woke her up. How much she'd seen or heard, he didn't know, but she seemed to be content with pretending she had noticed nothing, for which he was extremely grateful. She was a better person than most thought.

Reiner elbowing him in the ribs playfully and grinned mischievously pulled him out of his thoughts just in time to hear the Shifter tease him.

"Well, if we have her permission..."

He did cover his face then, a shocked stutter making it's way past his lips, too.

"R-Reiner!"

Their responses were to laugh boisterously and after a second, Bertolt joined in, though his mirth was much softer and more contained. He looked up at the night sky while Ymir and Reiner continued chatting, the topic filtering into something else that he only paid half attention to.

They had a long road ahead of them, and it would be filled with so much more pain and heartache, but after releasing his fear and pain, for the time being, it all felt more manageable. And at least until morning, they had this. He had Reiner and the woman who had remained their comrade through it all and would become their saving grace. They had each other, and while they'd all rather be somewhere else, they could still take some form solace in the other's presence.

 


End file.
